I think I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I feel torn. I feel powerless to change. And I hate it. I feel like no matter what choices I make in life are the wrong ones, everyone disagrees with those choices.
I am the victim of abuse. I feel funny saying that... because I feel like using that label for myself is... a cop-out. I feel like I'm not in as bad a situation as most "abusee's" But the fact of the matter is I am abused. I am the target of verbal/emotional abuse. I have been the target of (hopefully one time) physical abuse. I have had death wished upon me and a death threat uttered against me.
And yet... somehow its my fault. I'm the one in the wrong. The guilty party is "innocent" because either a) "YOU provoked me!" b) "Its certainly not MY fault" c) or various other excuses.
I'm sick of the cycle. I'm past hurt. Mostly I'm just numb to it... or on the verge of anger about it.
The one pastor I talked briefly about this is encouraging me to STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Um... hello? So... if all this abuse was from a man towards a woman, the woman would have a free pass to bail out and NOBODY would question her. Not a pastor, not her friends, not a psychologist, no one. Yet... She is the abuser, and I am the victim. And I'm supposed to stay in this? WHY???
I'm not wanting divorce. Or maybe I am. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I'm hurting. And if I'm aware that I'm hurting and not the person I used to be (fairly positive, decent self image, high energy) then I'm probably "damaged" deeper then I realize.
I don't know what I want. Part of me does want to die. Part of me wants to just keep going and pretend nothing's wrong (because if it is my fault then I need to stay and "fix" it). Part of me wants nothing more to do with her. Part of me thinks there is a sliver of hope... but only after time apart for both of us to heal, go for couselling, and to deal with some of our own shit so it doesn't interfear with the marriage anymore.
And yes, I've said some hurtful things. Some was not called for and said in anger. Some was said in frustration (when confronting a lie or an excuse). Some things could and should have been said with more tact. I am by no means innocent. I don't want that to seem like the case.
But again... I come back to "the other side" of this. If I were dishing out what I am taking... and she were the target, I'm confident that I would no longer be married, and probably have charges of various abuses against me... possibly even sitting in jail for it.
And I am just supposed to "take it like a man".
Well just for the record, that's not treating people equally. and if that's the case Fuck it. I'll go live in a box on welfare. Because if I'm worthy of such treatment, I don't need a warm house, a job, my electronic toys, or friends. If I'm worthy of such treatment... Go all the way. Feed me day old leftovers out of a dumpster. give me a ripped 5 year old jacket. Hand me a pair of thin shoes with holes worn through them... because if you're going to treat me as if I deserve this... go all the way baby.
