11.

I don't recall who all is following me, who checks this site, nor does it really matter. Its Father's day. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. The last 2 weeks I can do nothing right (based on my wife's words and actions) and some days I certainly feel like I can do nothing right at work either. At work, if I do what I am supposed to do -- complete with quality checks, then things are ok. If I rush myself, don't concentrate, or am distracted then I make mistakes. So to be productive and efficiant at work I need to be 100% "there". At home, the "rules" change daily. What one day is appreciated will start a fight the next. What is the wrong thing to do or say last week suddenly is cause for argument because it was NOT done or said this week. At work, the rules and proceedures are the same for everyone. Everyone knows what to do, and what to expect. Fair play, fair rules, A+B=C. Simple. At home I am supposed to read minds, expect the unexpected (in advance) and have multiple plans for various scenarios in place before anything even happens. I am supposed to be able to know information and thoughts and feelings simply by coming home from work. I am supposed to always speak what she wants to hear in the tone and wording that she wants, always -- without exception or fail -- and to never be wrong. Yet I am never allowed to feel hurt. I am never allowed to make a mistake. Yes, I am here to tell you that I am supposed to be perfect. I am never allowed to feel wronged -- even when I get yelled at, insulted, lied to. I am never allowed to misunderstand when the words said to me don't line up with actions and situations. I am not allowed to ever do anything for just me, yet I am supposed to never question anything she does for herself. I am not allowed to be anything other then inside her head anticipating every thought word, feeling, and action and have the PERFECT response ready with perfect timing. And I am supposed to accomplish this with 100% accuracy. Oh yeah, and when asking how her day was or why she is upset... "I'm Fine" or "It doesn't Matter" or "you don't care" or any of 100 comments that knowingly push me away. Yes, its Fathers day. And I am sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong. And yes, there is a heavy dose of regret for getting married. Today (and for the past week) I only need to use 2 words to describe life. "Epic Fail"

10.

First off, I'm so glad that when I started this blog I only had ONE rule for myself. Blog titles would be numerical. No need to come up with a title that summarizes or 'ties in' with the content of the post. Just a number, that's all. No rules about what to post about, or what not to. Nothing about every day/week/month (although I'm glad its more then once a year).

So...

Life since "9". I posted that in early December. I don't recall but I think shortly after that post Susie read my blog. I didn't hide it from her or cover it up. Just never pointed it out. If she saw it and read my hurts... so be it. Either it would cause another confrontation, or maybe it would shock her, give her a bit of a wake up call.

And while I won't say that life is all sunshine and roses (Cloudy, -11 today. To damn cold for roses! haha) It is significantly better. I keep pushing forward bit by bit, sometimes barely half a baby step at a time. If she pushes back or takes the step with me... that's up to her. Sometimes I loose it, stumble and fall, and slide back... but I'm not staying there. I get up, apologise where I need to (even if am misunderstood, I will apologise for not making sure she understood me)

We are very slowly building trust back into things. A big step for me was giving up control of the finances. That was a huge one for me. I'm OK at earning money, good at spending it (esp on electronics and gadgets I don't REALLY need but try to convince myself I do). Susie is way better at balancing the family budget. Not perfect, but better then I. We are still working on constructively discussing points where we disagree, but we are doing better financially. Money and month run out at about the same time... unlike when I was doing it. (Side note, there are still things she spends money on that I don't agree with, hobby stuff for her that kinda bothers me. Not the hobby, just that she spends some money on her fun stuff and I can't on mine. Then again my idea of fun stuff tends to cost more... but still it feels unfair. But I digress)

Most weekends we go to church together, with both of us wanting to go. Some weekends one will have to push the other to come along (not too often), and sometimes Susie will stay back to finish homework or prepare a meal for guests (such as is happening this very weekend!)

I'm on evening shift at work. Since I started nearly a year ago (April 1 if I recall the date correctly) I've been on days, switched to nights, back to days (repeat the day/night switch... 4times... maybe 5) and now I've been on evenings since shortly after new years.

Both Susie and I agree that as far as I go, she goes and "us" goes... evenings SUCK! I'd much rather work nights (11pm-730am) then evenings (3pm-1130pm). Of course days is the best option but the small premium paid out for the evening and night shifts help offset that somewhat ($0.60/hour evenings, and $0.80/hour for nights)

So yes, life here is somewhat looking up. In our little corner apartment anyway.

Just don't get me started on the news over the last month or so. The phrase "Going to Hell in a hand basket" covers that part rather nicely.

That about covers it. This is your furry pal Grover, signing out.