11.

I don't recall who all is following me, who checks this site, nor does it really matter. Its Father's day. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. The last 2 weeks I can do nothing right (based on my wife's words and actions) and some days I certainly feel like I can do nothing right at work either. At work, if I do what I am supposed to do -- complete with quality checks, then things are ok. If I rush myself, don't concentrate, or am distracted then I make mistakes. So to be productive and efficiant at work I need to be 100% "there". At home, the "rules" change daily. What one day is appreciated will start a fight the next. What is the wrong thing to do or say last week suddenly is cause for argument because it was NOT done or said this week. At work, the rules and proceedures are the same for everyone. Everyone knows what to do, and what to expect. Fair play, fair rules, A+B=C. Simple. At home I am supposed to read minds, expect the unexpected (in advance) and have multiple plans for various scenarios in place before anything even happens. I am supposed to be able to know information and thoughts and feelings simply by coming home from work. I am supposed to always speak what she wants to hear in the tone and wording that she wants, always -- without exception or fail -- and to never be wrong. Yet I am never allowed to feel hurt. I am never allowed to make a mistake. Yes, I am here to tell you that I am supposed to be perfect. I am never allowed to feel wronged -- even when I get yelled at, insulted, lied to. I am never allowed to misunderstand when the words said to me don't line up with actions and situations. I am not allowed to ever do anything for just me, yet I am supposed to never question anything she does for herself. I am not allowed to be anything other then inside her head anticipating every thought word, feeling, and action and have the PERFECT response ready with perfect timing. And I am supposed to accomplish this with 100% accuracy. Oh yeah, and when asking how her day was or why she is upset... "I'm Fine" or "It doesn't Matter" or "you don't care" or any of 100 comments that knowingly push me away. Yes, its Fathers day. And I am sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong. And yes, there is a heavy dose of regret for getting married. Today (and for the past week) I only need to use 2 words to describe life. "Epic Fail"