11.

I don't recall who all is following me, who checks this site, nor does it really matter. Its Father's day. I'm sitting here feeling like crap. The last 2 weeks I can do nothing right (based on my wife's words and actions) and some days I certainly feel like I can do nothing right at work either. At work, if I do what I am supposed to do -- complete with quality checks, then things are ok. If I rush myself, don't concentrate, or am distracted then I make mistakes. So to be productive and efficiant at work I need to be 100% "there". At home, the "rules" change daily. What one day is appreciated will start a fight the next. What is the wrong thing to do or say last week suddenly is cause for argument because it was NOT done or said this week. At work, the rules and proceedures are the same for everyone. Everyone knows what to do, and what to expect. Fair play, fair rules, A+B=C. Simple. At home I am supposed to read minds, expect the unexpected (in advance) and have multiple plans for various scenarios in place before anything even happens. I am supposed to be able to know information and thoughts and feelings simply by coming home from work. I am supposed to always speak what she wants to hear in the tone and wording that she wants, always -- without exception or fail -- and to never be wrong. Yet I am never allowed to feel hurt. I am never allowed to make a mistake. Yes, I am here to tell you that I am supposed to be perfect. I am never allowed to feel wronged -- even when I get yelled at, insulted, lied to. I am never allowed to misunderstand when the words said to me don't line up with actions and situations. I am not allowed to ever do anything for just me, yet I am supposed to never question anything she does for herself. I am not allowed to be anything other then inside her head anticipating every thought word, feeling, and action and have the PERFECT response ready with perfect timing. And I am supposed to accomplish this with 100% accuracy. Oh yeah, and when asking how her day was or why she is upset... "I'm Fine" or "It doesn't Matter" or "you don't care" or any of 100 comments that knowingly push me away. Yes, its Fathers day. And I am sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong. And yes, there is a heavy dose of regret for getting married. Today (and for the past week) I only need to use 2 words to describe life. "Epic Fail"

10.

First off, I'm so glad that when I started this blog I only had ONE rule for myself. Blog titles would be numerical. No need to come up with a title that summarizes or 'ties in' with the content of the post. Just a number, that's all. No rules about what to post about, or what not to. Nothing about every day/week/month (although I'm glad its more then once a year).

So...

Life since "9". I posted that in early December. I don't recall but I think shortly after that post Susie read my blog. I didn't hide it from her or cover it up. Just never pointed it out. If she saw it and read my hurts... so be it. Either it would cause another confrontation, or maybe it would shock her, give her a bit of a wake up call.

And while I won't say that life is all sunshine and roses (Cloudy, -11 today. To damn cold for roses! haha) It is significantly better. I keep pushing forward bit by bit, sometimes barely half a baby step at a time. If she pushes back or takes the step with me... that's up to her. Sometimes I loose it, stumble and fall, and slide back... but I'm not staying there. I get up, apologise where I need to (even if am misunderstood, I will apologise for not making sure she understood me)

We are very slowly building trust back into things. A big step for me was giving up control of the finances. That was a huge one for me. I'm OK at earning money, good at spending it (esp on electronics and gadgets I don't REALLY need but try to convince myself I do). Susie is way better at balancing the family budget. Not perfect, but better then I. We are still working on constructively discussing points where we disagree, but we are doing better financially. Money and month run out at about the same time... unlike when I was doing it. (Side note, there are still things she spends money on that I don't agree with, hobby stuff for her that kinda bothers me. Not the hobby, just that she spends some money on her fun stuff and I can't on mine. Then again my idea of fun stuff tends to cost more... but still it feels unfair. But I digress)

Most weekends we go to church together, with both of us wanting to go. Some weekends one will have to push the other to come along (not too often), and sometimes Susie will stay back to finish homework or prepare a meal for guests (such as is happening this very weekend!)

I'm on evening shift at work. Since I started nearly a year ago (April 1 if I recall the date correctly) I've been on days, switched to nights, back to days (repeat the day/night switch... 4times... maybe 5) and now I've been on evenings since shortly after new years.

Both Susie and I agree that as far as I go, she goes and "us" goes... evenings SUCK! I'd much rather work nights (11pm-730am) then evenings (3pm-1130pm). Of course days is the best option but the small premium paid out for the evening and night shifts help offset that somewhat ($0.60/hour evenings, and $0.80/hour for nights)

So yes, life here is somewhat looking up. In our little corner apartment anyway.

Just don't get me started on the news over the last month or so. The phrase "Going to Hell in a hand basket" covers that part rather nicely.

That about covers it. This is your furry pal Grover, signing out.

9

I think I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I feel torn. I feel powerless to change. And I hate it. I feel like no matter what choices I make in life are the wrong ones, everyone disagrees with those choices.

I am the victim of abuse. I feel funny saying that... because I feel like using that label for myself is... a cop-out. I feel like I'm not in as bad a situation as most "abusee's" But the fact of the matter is I am abused. I am the target of verbal/emotional abuse. I have been the target of (hopefully one time) physical abuse. I have had death wished upon me and a death threat uttered against me.

And yet... somehow its my fault. I'm the one in the wrong. The guilty party is "innocent" because either a) "YOU provoked me!" b) "Its certainly not MY fault" c) or various other excuses.

I'm sick of the cycle. I'm past hurt. Mostly I'm just numb to it... or on the verge of anger about it.

The one pastor I talked briefly about this is encouraging me to STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Um... hello? So... if all this abuse was from a man towards a woman, the woman would have a free pass to bail out and NOBODY would question her. Not a pastor, not her friends, not a psychologist, no one. Yet... She is the abuser, and I am the victim. And I'm supposed to stay in this? WHY???

I'm not wanting divorce. Or maybe I am. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I'm hurting. And if I'm aware that I'm hurting and not the person I used to be (fairly positive, decent self image, high energy) then I'm probably "damaged" deeper then I realize.

I don't know what I want. Part of me does want to die. Part of me wants to just keep going and pretend nothing's wrong (because if it is my fault then I need to stay and "fix" it). Part of me wants nothing more to do with her. Part of me thinks there is a sliver of hope... but only after time apart for both of us to heal, go for couselling, and to deal with some of our own shit so it doesn't interfear with the marriage anymore.

And yes, I've said some hurtful things. Some was not called for and said in anger. Some was said in frustration (when confronting a lie or an excuse). Some things could and should have been said with more tact. I am by no means innocent. I don't want that to seem like the case.

But again... I come back to "the other side" of this. If I were dishing out what I am taking... and she were the target, I'm confident that I would no longer be married, and probably have charges of various abuses against me... possibly even sitting in jail for it.

And I am just supposed to "take it like a man".

Well just for the record, that's not treating people equally. and if that's the case Fuck it. I'll go live in a box on welfare. Because if I'm worthy of such treatment, I don't need a warm house, a job, my electronic toys, or friends. If I'm worthy of such treatment... Go all the way. Feed me day old leftovers out of a dumpster. give me a ripped 5 year old jacket. Hand me a pair of thin shoes with holes worn through them... because if you're going to treat me as if I deserve this... go all the way baby.

8.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone a little bit here.

Situation:
2 people are in a room, they know each other fairly well. One is attempting to have a discussion about an issue. This issue had been raised many times, and the other person either ignores the conversation or denies that there is a problem. Normally the first individual will just sigh and bottle up the frustration. This occasion was different though. This time, the first individual kept pushing the conversaition because there was proof of wrongdoing on the 2nd person's part. Person 2 kept ignoring the conversation. Person 1 was tired of this issue never getting resolved, so Person 1 got more into person 2's face, both verbally and physically (no insults, and verbal abuse, just escalated volume and emotion. Person 1 did not touch person 2). Person 2 continued ignoring (and persuing something else with their focus) until Person 1 eliminated that distraction.

This angered person 2 to the point where they struck person 1 in the face.

Now, we're going to call this "Stage 1".

Both individuals could have handled the situation better. No question. I just want your reaction. Who was more in the wrong? Person 1 or Person 2?

Stage 2

These people are married. Does that change the situation? Do you already have a "Gut reaction" as to if the guy struck the girl, or the girl struck the guy? Why was that your first reacation?

stage 3

Person 1 is the Husband, Person 2 is the Wife. Now, I have more questions.

A)If you right away thought that the man struck the woman, why was that your first instinct?
B)Why does society think it's "more ok" for a woman to strike a man then a man to strike a woman, even if the situations are identical
C)If Striking someone else out of anger and retaliation is ABUSE why is it justified for women and not at all for women?
D)If women want equality (and for the most part I think it's a good thing if its in a healthy way) why would the women get a minor charge (if at all) while the man would have "the book" thrown at him?
E)What if the WOMAN had the history of violent outbursts... would that still make this "more ok" then if the man had struck the woman (given no history of violent outbursts?)

Please, if you read this I want your responses. I know of this situation personally and am seeking input.

7.

not that alot of people know this little blog exists. I'm in such a different place now then when I started this thing. And right now its not that I don't know what to write its more that the words tumbling around in my head wouldn't make any sense if I just spewed them all over the keyboard. Its a dark scary place to live when you feel lots of things but have no idea how to articulate them.

Fade

I don't know anymore
I can't do you right anymore
All I've said and done is wrong
You said it would be forever
But then you wished I would die
You said "I'll change, I don't want
Be the old me anymore"
But you are.

I don't know anymore
I don't want to hurt anymore
All I've said and done is wrong
I said it would be forever
Now I wish I could die
I don't know what to change
I can't escape me anymore
Anymore

I can't fight anymore
I can't hurt anymore
I can't die anymore
I feel already dead
I won't fight anymore
I won't hurt anymore
I'm already dead

We said it would be forever
Those dreams are dead
If we can't change
Why do we push ahead?
We don't like the old ways
And fight so hard to change
Its like looking in a mirror
The things I hate about you
Are buried so deep in me

I can't fight anymore
I can't hurt anymore
I can't die anymore
I feel already dead
I won't fight anymore
I won't hurt anymore
I'm already dead

6

I've come to realize that its been almost a year since I did anything with my blog. I thought it had been shut down due to inactivity, but it turned out I was trying to log into the wrong account!

So, what's happened in the last year? Well, lots. We've moved twice. I'm on my 3rd job since then. We've come close to throwing everything away. We've lost some friends, gained some friends, reconnected with old friends, and come to realize that sometimes doing what is RIGHT (morally right, not socially right) is going to very quickly point to who is going to stand by you

Now granted, its not always easy to make that choice. And often, it can be hard to be supportive of someone who is fighting to do what is right. Its very easy to give up doing what is right, either for yourself or to support those who have made a choice to do what is right.

I'm talking here about marriage. In the last few months Susie and I have had some real struggles. I just about threw it away. I was half a hair's width from walking away and forgetting about what is RIGHT. So, right at the breaking point I made a choice. I made the choice to honor my wife, and my vow to God

Really, at the end of the day (or rather my life) I will have to answer for my choices. No one else will have to answer for me if I choose to stay with my wife or to leave her. Its easy to point out how "right" or "justified" I would be if I did leave. And some people had good points. But when I chose to do what is RIGHT, a few people suddenly removed me from their lives. Or they removed themselves from our life. However you look at it, when I/we didn't respond the way they wanted us to, then suddenly they want nothing more to do with us.

Maybe they got tired of being a support. Maybe they have enough crap to deal with and don't want to help a couple do things the RIGHT way. Maybe they're mad because I didn't respond the way they thought I would, or the way I said I wanted to (in the heat of the moment)

But we went to see the pastor who married us. One thing he said stuck with me. He said (not a direct quote, but close enough), "We wanted to make sure you guys were ready. We put up roadblock after roadblock (referring to personal/individual counseling, as well as pre-marriage courses) to make sure you could stick out the hard times. Remember how hard you fought to GET married? Now fight that hard to STAY married!"

I guess in the last month or so, we've lost some people we thought were good friends, and re-connected with some old friends... in fact we reconnected with someone I knew back in Bible school (1996-1998). God knows who we need in our lives. I think sometimes we know that too, but fight to hard to hold on to the people who are slowly poisoning us because it seems right, but don't fight hard enough to stay with the people who speak truth into our lives (even though sometimes truth is hard to hear). A pastor at our church said one time "Truth doesn't cause hurt. It only reveals hurt that is already there."

Well, here's hoping I start tending my blog with a little more regularity.