9

I think I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I feel torn. I feel powerless to change. And I hate it. I feel like no matter what choices I make in life are the wrong ones, everyone disagrees with those choices.

I am the victim of abuse. I feel funny saying that... because I feel like using that label for myself is... a cop-out. I feel like I'm not in as bad a situation as most "abusee's" But the fact of the matter is I am abused. I am the target of verbal/emotional abuse. I have been the target of (hopefully one time) physical abuse. I have had death wished upon me and a death threat uttered against me.

And yet... somehow its my fault. I'm the one in the wrong. The guilty party is "innocent" because either a) "YOU provoked me!" b) "Its certainly not MY fault" c) or various other excuses.

I'm sick of the cycle. I'm past hurt. Mostly I'm just numb to it... or on the verge of anger about it.

The one pastor I talked briefly about this is encouraging me to STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Um... hello? So... if all this abuse was from a man towards a woman, the woman would have a free pass to bail out and NOBODY would question her. Not a pastor, not her friends, not a psychologist, no one. Yet... She is the abuser, and I am the victim. And I'm supposed to stay in this? WHY???

I'm not wanting divorce. Or maybe I am. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I'm hurting. And if I'm aware that I'm hurting and not the person I used to be (fairly positive, decent self image, high energy) then I'm probably "damaged" deeper then I realize.

I don't know what I want. Part of me does want to die. Part of me wants to just keep going and pretend nothing's wrong (because if it is my fault then I need to stay and "fix" it). Part of me wants nothing more to do with her. Part of me thinks there is a sliver of hope... but only after time apart for both of us to heal, go for couselling, and to deal with some of our own shit so it doesn't interfear with the marriage anymore.

And yes, I've said some hurtful things. Some was not called for and said in anger. Some was said in frustration (when confronting a lie or an excuse). Some things could and should have been said with more tact. I am by no means innocent. I don't want that to seem like the case.

But again... I come back to "the other side" of this. If I were dishing out what I am taking... and she were the target, I'm confident that I would no longer be married, and probably have charges of various abuses against me... possibly even sitting in jail for it.

And I am just supposed to "take it like a man".

Well just for the record, that's not treating people equally. and if that's the case Fuck it. I'll go live in a box on welfare. Because if I'm worthy of such treatment, I don't need a warm house, a job, my electronic toys, or friends. If I'm worthy of such treatment... Go all the way. Feed me day old leftovers out of a dumpster. give me a ripped 5 year old jacket. Hand me a pair of thin shoes with holes worn through them... because if you're going to treat me as if I deserve this... go all the way baby.

8.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone a little bit here.

Situation:
2 people are in a room, they know each other fairly well. One is attempting to have a discussion about an issue. This issue had been raised many times, and the other person either ignores the conversation or denies that there is a problem. Normally the first individual will just sigh and bottle up the frustration. This occasion was different though. This time, the first individual kept pushing the conversaition because there was proof of wrongdoing on the 2nd person's part. Person 2 kept ignoring the conversation. Person 1 was tired of this issue never getting resolved, so Person 1 got more into person 2's face, both verbally and physically (no insults, and verbal abuse, just escalated volume and emotion. Person 1 did not touch person 2). Person 2 continued ignoring (and persuing something else with their focus) until Person 1 eliminated that distraction.

This angered person 2 to the point where they struck person 1 in the face.

Now, we're going to call this "Stage 1".

Both individuals could have handled the situation better. No question. I just want your reaction. Who was more in the wrong? Person 1 or Person 2?

Stage 2

These people are married. Does that change the situation? Do you already have a "Gut reaction" as to if the guy struck the girl, or the girl struck the guy? Why was that your first reacation?

stage 3

Person 1 is the Husband, Person 2 is the Wife. Now, I have more questions.

A)If you right away thought that the man struck the woman, why was that your first instinct?
B)Why does society think it's "more ok" for a woman to strike a man then a man to strike a woman, even if the situations are identical
C)If Striking someone else out of anger and retaliation is ABUSE why is it justified for women and not at all for women?
D)If women want equality (and for the most part I think it's a good thing if its in a healthy way) why would the women get a minor charge (if at all) while the man would have "the book" thrown at him?
E)What if the WOMAN had the history of violent outbursts... would that still make this "more ok" then if the man had struck the woman (given no history of violent outbursts?)

Please, if you read this I want your responses. I know of this situation personally and am seeking input.

7.

not that alot of people know this little blog exists. I'm in such a different place now then when I started this thing. And right now its not that I don't know what to write its more that the words tumbling around in my head wouldn't make any sense if I just spewed them all over the keyboard. Its a dark scary place to live when you feel lots of things but have no idea how to articulate them.

Fade

I don't know anymore
I can't do you right anymore
All I've said and done is wrong
You said it would be forever
But then you wished I would die
You said "I'll change, I don't want
Be the old me anymore"
But you are.

I don't know anymore
I don't want to hurt anymore
All I've said and done is wrong
I said it would be forever
Now I wish I could die
I don't know what to change
I can't escape me anymore
Anymore

I can't fight anymore
I can't hurt anymore
I can't die anymore
I feel already dead
I won't fight anymore
I won't hurt anymore
I'm already dead

We said it would be forever
Those dreams are dead
If we can't change
Why do we push ahead?
We don't like the old ways
And fight so hard to change
Its like looking in a mirror
The things I hate about you
Are buried so deep in me

I can't fight anymore
I can't hurt anymore
I can't die anymore
I feel already dead
I won't fight anymore
I won't hurt anymore
I'm already dead

6

I've come to realize that its been almost a year since I did anything with my blog. I thought it had been shut down due to inactivity, but it turned out I was trying to log into the wrong account!

So, what's happened in the last year? Well, lots. We've moved twice. I'm on my 3rd job since then. We've come close to throwing everything away. We've lost some friends, gained some friends, reconnected with old friends, and come to realize that sometimes doing what is RIGHT (morally right, not socially right) is going to very quickly point to who is going to stand by you

Now granted, its not always easy to make that choice. And often, it can be hard to be supportive of someone who is fighting to do what is right. Its very easy to give up doing what is right, either for yourself or to support those who have made a choice to do what is right.

I'm talking here about marriage. In the last few months Susie and I have had some real struggles. I just about threw it away. I was half a hair's width from walking away and forgetting about what is RIGHT. So, right at the breaking point I made a choice. I made the choice to honor my wife, and my vow to God

Really, at the end of the day (or rather my life) I will have to answer for my choices. No one else will have to answer for me if I choose to stay with my wife or to leave her. Its easy to point out how "right" or "justified" I would be if I did leave. And some people had good points. But when I chose to do what is RIGHT, a few people suddenly removed me from their lives. Or they removed themselves from our life. However you look at it, when I/we didn't respond the way they wanted us to, then suddenly they want nothing more to do with us.

Maybe they got tired of being a support. Maybe they have enough crap to deal with and don't want to help a couple do things the RIGHT way. Maybe they're mad because I didn't respond the way they thought I would, or the way I said I wanted to (in the heat of the moment)

But we went to see the pastor who married us. One thing he said stuck with me. He said (not a direct quote, but close enough), "We wanted to make sure you guys were ready. We put up roadblock after roadblock (referring to personal/individual counseling, as well as pre-marriage courses) to make sure you could stick out the hard times. Remember how hard you fought to GET married? Now fight that hard to STAY married!"

I guess in the last month or so, we've lost some people we thought were good friends, and re-connected with some old friends... in fact we reconnected with someone I knew back in Bible school (1996-1998). God knows who we need in our lives. I think sometimes we know that too, but fight to hard to hold on to the people who are slowly poisoning us because it seems right, but don't fight hard enough to stay with the people who speak truth into our lives (even though sometimes truth is hard to hear). A pastor at our church said one time "Truth doesn't cause hurt. It only reveals hurt that is already there."

Well, here's hoping I start tending my blog with a little more regularity.