4

So its Wednesday afternoon. I'm home from work. I rolled out of bed about 45 minutes after my alarm went off (not a good start to the day) and by the time my brain was functioning, it was reporting that my body was not happy. Oh well, off to work I go. And I realize I have no energy. normally I can walk at a decent pace, but today I was slow. Everything hurt, especially my legs. And I'm TIRED. Dog tired. My brain is kinda fuzzy too.

So why am I writing? I don't know. I realized ( many times over actually) that I way-over anylize stuff. All the time. But its such a habit I can't shake it. Sometimes its good. I can look at a situation and come up with a number of probable outcomes, each based on variables within the origional situation. Confused? too bad, I don't know how to make it clearer.

And sometimes...even though I've thought and thought... I still get blind-sided.

Whatever. I needed to write, and as I logged in my brain shut down and I can't remember what I was going to write about. Maybe I'll go have a shower and perhaps that will shake a few cobwebs loose.

3

Sunday Morning

I wish I could say I awoke with the joy of the Lord, and with much anticipation of what the day holds. I wish I could say that.

But I can't. I am tired. I am tired of people saying "trust God" and not knowing for myself what that means. I'm tired of worrying about how to stretch a small pay cheque enough to feed, shelter, and provide for me and my wife. I feel so .. inadequate. I feel... like I am not up for the challenge. And I don't even know why.

I wonder... what life would be like if I'd had a father who encouraged rather then criticized. If I had positive words spoken into my life instead of so much negativity. Lately, even just hearing anyone complain - about ANYTHING - just bugs me. Like "STOP BITCHING" just hammers through my head. So what if you're sick? Yes you feel terrible, and yes you want to feel better. I understand that, and I feel the same way when I'm sick too. But to constantly complain... just drains those around you.

And yeah, sometimes there's not much to be positive about. I get that too, because that's where I feel I'm at. I have job, but its not somewhere that is good for my spirit, and the pay isn't so good, and that's extra stress too. But I wonder.... Positive attitude sure helps, and can have an impact on your surroundings and situation. But what happens when you're already feeling down, and people around you (friends, family, or co-workers) just complain all the time? And you already feel pretty down? Soon you're feeling terrible and complaining all the time too... which breeds more negativity and adds more poison to the situations and people around you....which gets turned back to you... and down the spiral you go at Mach-3.

*sigh*

And if I stop to think about it, its all just petty little crap. Really. So what if I have a 12-year old car? For its age its still in pretty good shape, and relatively low miles. I have a place to live, and although its not much, its shelter, its warm, and its something I can afford. So what if my boss is a jerk? At least I have a job, and it pays more then minimum wage...and full time hours with benefits too. So what if the pastor doesn't always make me feel warm and fuzzy? WHO CARES if the worship band was "off" today? At least we can gather in a public place and not even give persecution a second thought.

I guess.... I just a little... dissatisfied. I don't know what to do next. I have one foot stuck firmly in "the World" with its drive for stuff, and cutting people down to get ahead, seeking justice when I've been wronged, and so forth. The other foot? Well... slowly - very slowly - its finding that the ground of heaven is much more firm then the world down here. And though its invisible, and not tangible by any human sense ... its firmer ground then the physical world we inhabit.


Broken (Lifehouse)

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm holdin on I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holdin on I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holdin' I'm holdin' on)
(I'm still holdin' I'm holdin' on)
(I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

2.

What to write. I'm feeling rather melancholic. Analytical. Poetic.

I watched CSI N.Y. tonight. Some dude was killing people with the name Mac Powell. And I got to thinking... what if I died tonight? I'm not talking about my more usual "I feel like crap, I feel like no one understands, I can't handle the stress I just want to die and get it over with" suicidal-type thoughts that I struggle with.

I'm talking about a different approach. I wonder if I died tonight... If Susie really knows how much I love her. I wonder if I've actually made a difference. I wonder how many opportunities I've missed due to laziness, blindness, or sheer simple human stupidity. I wonder.

If I fly away tonight
Would it be alright
Would you miss me when I'm gone?
Have I done enough,
Tried hard enough
Have I even made a difference at all?
Why is it so simple
To just coast along,
To just ride out the days
as they stretch into decades?
If I fly away tonight
Don't sorrow over me
I'll finally be free of my hurts
I'll be free of this old world
But still I wonder
Do you know that I've loved you?
That I've loved as best as I know how?
That I'm just human after all
That I felt so weak
That I'm prone to fall
Its not enough,
I don't know why
If I fly away tonight
If nothing else,
Just know that you are
Loved

I'm not planning on dying. My time will come when God decides its going to come. If I try to do myself in and its not my time, God will stop me (kinda makes it a waste of effort to try). And if its my time, no amount of fasting, praying, pleading or crying will stop it.

I guess...its a sign of getting older. And yes, I chuckled as I wrote that. I'm 31. Certainly not "old" but... I'm not 20 either. I notice my mortality more. And... somehow, I've never believed I would live long enough to be "old". but maybe, just maybe...God will allow that