2.

What to write. I'm feeling rather melancholic. Analytical. Poetic.

I watched CSI N.Y. tonight. Some dude was killing people with the name Mac Powell. And I got to thinking... what if I died tonight? I'm not talking about my more usual "I feel like crap, I feel like no one understands, I can't handle the stress I just want to die and get it over with" suicidal-type thoughts that I struggle with.

I'm talking about a different approach. I wonder if I died tonight... If Susie really knows how much I love her. I wonder if I've actually made a difference. I wonder how many opportunities I've missed due to laziness, blindness, or sheer simple human stupidity. I wonder.

If I fly away tonight
Would it be alright
Would you miss me when I'm gone?
Have I done enough,
Tried hard enough
Have I even made a difference at all?
Why is it so simple
To just coast along,
To just ride out the days
as they stretch into decades?
If I fly away tonight
Don't sorrow over me
I'll finally be free of my hurts
I'll be free of this old world
But still I wonder
Do you know that I've loved you?
That I've loved as best as I know how?
That I'm just human after all
That I felt so weak
That I'm prone to fall
Its not enough,
I don't know why
If I fly away tonight
If nothing else,
Just know that you are
Loved

I'm not planning on dying. My time will come when God decides its going to come. If I try to do myself in and its not my time, God will stop me (kinda makes it a waste of effort to try). And if its my time, no amount of fasting, praying, pleading or crying will stop it.

I guess...its a sign of getting older. And yes, I chuckled as I wrote that. I'm 31. Certainly not "old" but... I'm not 20 either. I notice my mortality more. And... somehow, I've never believed I would live long enough to be "old". but maybe, just maybe...God will allow that