6

I've come to realize that its been almost a year since I did anything with my blog. I thought it had been shut down due to inactivity, but it turned out I was trying to log into the wrong account!

So, what's happened in the last year? Well, lots. We've moved twice. I'm on my 3rd job since then. We've come close to throwing everything away. We've lost some friends, gained some friends, reconnected with old friends, and come to realize that sometimes doing what is RIGHT (morally right, not socially right) is going to very quickly point to who is going to stand by you

Now granted, its not always easy to make that choice. And often, it can be hard to be supportive of someone who is fighting to do what is right. Its very easy to give up doing what is right, either for yourself or to support those who have made a choice to do what is right.

I'm talking here about marriage. In the last few months Susie and I have had some real struggles. I just about threw it away. I was half a hair's width from walking away and forgetting about what is RIGHT. So, right at the breaking point I made a choice. I made the choice to honor my wife, and my vow to God

Really, at the end of the day (or rather my life) I will have to answer for my choices. No one else will have to answer for me if I choose to stay with my wife or to leave her. Its easy to point out how "right" or "justified" I would be if I did leave. And some people had good points. But when I chose to do what is RIGHT, a few people suddenly removed me from their lives. Or they removed themselves from our life. However you look at it, when I/we didn't respond the way they wanted us to, then suddenly they want nothing more to do with us.

Maybe they got tired of being a support. Maybe they have enough crap to deal with and don't want to help a couple do things the RIGHT way. Maybe they're mad because I didn't respond the way they thought I would, or the way I said I wanted to (in the heat of the moment)

But we went to see the pastor who married us. One thing he said stuck with me. He said (not a direct quote, but close enough), "We wanted to make sure you guys were ready. We put up roadblock after roadblock (referring to personal/individual counseling, as well as pre-marriage courses) to make sure you could stick out the hard times. Remember how hard you fought to GET married? Now fight that hard to STAY married!"

I guess in the last month or so, we've lost some people we thought were good friends, and re-connected with some old friends... in fact we reconnected with someone I knew back in Bible school (1996-1998). God knows who we need in our lives. I think sometimes we know that too, but fight to hard to hold on to the people who are slowly poisoning us because it seems right, but don't fight hard enough to stay with the people who speak truth into our lives (even though sometimes truth is hard to hear). A pastor at our church said one time "Truth doesn't cause hurt. It only reveals hurt that is already there."

Well, here's hoping I start tending my blog with a little more regularity.

5

Wow its been a while since I've posted anything. And before I go further, I'm posting from my phone, so please forgive a few typos or missed capitals

I'm in a bad place again. Like the life has been sucked out of me. My marriage is a wreck. Nothing i say or do is ever right. If i don't talk or if I do, if I try to help or be concerned or offer advice, it doesn't matter. I am always wrong. And I am not making a mountain out of a molehill either. Others have seen it and commented about it too...

Susie decided to leave for a number of days and when she came back she acted like nothing had happened. And she couldn't give me a good reason why she leeft in the first place. She can say all sorts of mean things to everyone else, yet if I talk to her she will twist whatever I've said into an exadurated negative. If i speak as harshly to her as she does to me she gets mad. So most evenings lately I've gone back to the shop, either to actually work or to tinker on my car.

I am depressed and sad... due largely to how hurting Susie is and there is nothing... absolutely nothing I can do. Every attempt I make only makes things worse.

4

So its Wednesday afternoon. I'm home from work. I rolled out of bed about 45 minutes after my alarm went off (not a good start to the day) and by the time my brain was functioning, it was reporting that my body was not happy. Oh well, off to work I go. And I realize I have no energy. normally I can walk at a decent pace, but today I was slow. Everything hurt, especially my legs. And I'm TIRED. Dog tired. My brain is kinda fuzzy too.

So why am I writing? I don't know. I realized ( many times over actually) that I way-over anylize stuff. All the time. But its such a habit I can't shake it. Sometimes its good. I can look at a situation and come up with a number of probable outcomes, each based on variables within the origional situation. Confused? too bad, I don't know how to make it clearer.

And sometimes...even though I've thought and thought... I still get blind-sided.

Whatever. I needed to write, and as I logged in my brain shut down and I can't remember what I was going to write about. Maybe I'll go have a shower and perhaps that will shake a few cobwebs loose.

3

Sunday Morning

I wish I could say I awoke with the joy of the Lord, and with much anticipation of what the day holds. I wish I could say that.

But I can't. I am tired. I am tired of people saying "trust God" and not knowing for myself what that means. I'm tired of worrying about how to stretch a small pay cheque enough to feed, shelter, and provide for me and my wife. I feel so .. inadequate. I feel... like I am not up for the challenge. And I don't even know why.

I wonder... what life would be like if I'd had a father who encouraged rather then criticized. If I had positive words spoken into my life instead of so much negativity. Lately, even just hearing anyone complain - about ANYTHING - just bugs me. Like "STOP BITCHING" just hammers through my head. So what if you're sick? Yes you feel terrible, and yes you want to feel better. I understand that, and I feel the same way when I'm sick too. But to constantly complain... just drains those around you.

And yeah, sometimes there's not much to be positive about. I get that too, because that's where I feel I'm at. I have job, but its not somewhere that is good for my spirit, and the pay isn't so good, and that's extra stress too. But I wonder.... Positive attitude sure helps, and can have an impact on your surroundings and situation. But what happens when you're already feeling down, and people around you (friends, family, or co-workers) just complain all the time? And you already feel pretty down? Soon you're feeling terrible and complaining all the time too... which breeds more negativity and adds more poison to the situations and people around you....which gets turned back to you... and down the spiral you go at Mach-3.

*sigh*

And if I stop to think about it, its all just petty little crap. Really. So what if I have a 12-year old car? For its age its still in pretty good shape, and relatively low miles. I have a place to live, and although its not much, its shelter, its warm, and its something I can afford. So what if my boss is a jerk? At least I have a job, and it pays more then minimum wage...and full time hours with benefits too. So what if the pastor doesn't always make me feel warm and fuzzy? WHO CARES if the worship band was "off" today? At least we can gather in a public place and not even give persecution a second thought.

I guess.... I just a little... dissatisfied. I don't know what to do next. I have one foot stuck firmly in "the World" with its drive for stuff, and cutting people down to get ahead, seeking justice when I've been wronged, and so forth. The other foot? Well... slowly - very slowly - its finding that the ground of heaven is much more firm then the world down here. And though its invisible, and not tangible by any human sense ... its firmer ground then the physical world we inhabit.


Broken (Lifehouse)

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm holdin on I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holdin on I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holdin' I'm holdin' on)
(I'm still holdin' I'm holdin' on)
(I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

2.

What to write. I'm feeling rather melancholic. Analytical. Poetic.

I watched CSI N.Y. tonight. Some dude was killing people with the name Mac Powell. And I got to thinking... what if I died tonight? I'm not talking about my more usual "I feel like crap, I feel like no one understands, I can't handle the stress I just want to die and get it over with" suicidal-type thoughts that I struggle with.

I'm talking about a different approach. I wonder if I died tonight... If Susie really knows how much I love her. I wonder if I've actually made a difference. I wonder how many opportunities I've missed due to laziness, blindness, or sheer simple human stupidity. I wonder.

If I fly away tonight
Would it be alright
Would you miss me when I'm gone?
Have I done enough,
Tried hard enough
Have I even made a difference at all?
Why is it so simple
To just coast along,
To just ride out the days
as they stretch into decades?
If I fly away tonight
Don't sorrow over me
I'll finally be free of my hurts
I'll be free of this old world
But still I wonder
Do you know that I've loved you?
That I've loved as best as I know how?
That I'm just human after all
That I felt so weak
That I'm prone to fall
Its not enough,
I don't know why
If I fly away tonight
If nothing else,
Just know that you are
Loved

I'm not planning on dying. My time will come when God decides its going to come. If I try to do myself in and its not my time, God will stop me (kinda makes it a waste of effort to try). And if its my time, no amount of fasting, praying, pleading or crying will stop it.

I guess...its a sign of getting older. And yes, I chuckled as I wrote that. I'm 31. Certainly not "old" but... I'm not 20 either. I notice my mortality more. And... somehow, I've never believed I would live long enough to be "old". but maybe, just maybe...God will allow that

1. Starting Out.

I've had a blog before. And like many things, all well intentioned.... they start with a bang, start to fizzle and fade, flare back up, and eventual die a slow death. I'm not in anyway resolving to post something every day. Nor am I promising that this blog won't also die a slow death. My old blog (www.xanga.com/Grover78) is still in existence, but has not been posted to with any sort of regularity for quite some time. So why start something new instead of continuing where I left off? I don't know.

I guess maybe I want to start fresh here because most of the old blog was linked to my "old life" before I moved to Manitoba and the many changes that followed. Maybe its because I enjoy writing, and for some reason my brain c an keep up with my fingers on a keyboard much better then brain waiting patiently while my fingers push a pen around on paper, sometimes confusing what its supposed to be writing with what my brain is already processing for the next 2 paragraphs.

So it begins. I don't' know how this will work out. But as with many things, Its started with good intentions.

And even as I start this blog I can hear Satan whispering... the nasty sucker will use ANY opportunity to attack. Even now he's whispering "Don't even start Andrew. You know as well as I do that this will not go anywhere. It will be like countless other blogs by countless other people, filled with boring drivel and eventually you'll forget or loose interest. Don't waste your time with this."

Yet I will. If nothing else I have somewhere to post my thoughts and feelings. even if no one ever reads it (and in a way I hope they do, and find something to challenge them) at least I am putting my thoughts out and my feelings out. Because if I keep them contained, I will slowly rot inside, as sure as if I drank a bottle of acid